It was a dark and stormy night. Melissa shuddered as another blast of thunder rattled the windows of her small turn-of-the-century home, as well as her nerves. She didn't enjoy being alone much at all, but never after dark. The violent storm brewing outside just added to her misery. The sounds, the smells and the heavy presence of nature unleashed brought back too many memories.
"No!, Not tonight," she begged. An unexpected knock on the door saved her from starting down that path. Although relieved to be distracted for the moment, Melissa wondered if she dared open the door. A glance at the antique grandfather clock in the entry told her it was only just past 8. "It must be one of my neighbors," she reassured herself out loud. Melissa slowly slung back the deadbolt and carefully swung open the massive solid-wood door. . .
"No!, Not tonight," she begged. An unexpected knock on the door saved her from starting down that path. Although relieved to be distracted for the moment, Melissa wondered if she dared open the door. A glance at the antique grandfather clock in the entry told her it was only just past 8. "It must be one of my neighbors," she reassured herself out loud. Melissa slowly slung back the deadbolt and carefully swung open the massive solid-wood door. . .
Labels: dark and stormy night
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...to discover her 83-year-old Aunt Madge standing on the doorstep. Melissa was shocked to see that her aunt was dressed for the opera, wearing a black silk evening gown with black sequin trim, diamonds, and a long velvet cloak. True, Aunt Madge loved an evening out and her driver took her everywhere, but on a night like this? But the biggest surprise to Melissa was that Aunt Madge was carrying...
... a big bag of money.
(Even better. I was going to go with bagpipes. Don't ask...)
...Aunt Madge pulled her sunglasses down off her nose and said, "Let's get fashizzeled in the hizzang."
("Let's get fashizzeled in the hizzang." Que?)
(Que? is right. I have no idea what you just said.)
(Me neither, but I'm going with it.)
Melissa could tell Aunt Madge had been hitting the bottle again, but she didn't mind. Madge was sort of incorrible that way. But she was also a whole lot of fun when she was inebriated and with a big bag of cash on hand Melissa knew there was an adventure to be had.
"Pack up your pizzas and your piazzas. We're going to iittala!" Melissa gathered she meant Italy, because even though she'd been to the iittala store in town, shopping there did not require any packing except on the way home. Another bolt of lightning shook the windows. But that only made Melissa more determined get out of town.
"Just give me five minutes!" she said to Aunt Madge, who was busy counting the Ben Franklin's stuffed into the pocket of her cloak. "Will I need the opera glasses?" Aunt Madge's reply was unintelligible, so Melissa decided to grab them anyway. She dashed up the spiral staircase, clearing the top two stairs with a jump and opened her bedroom door only to. . .
stub her big toe in a big way. As she fell to the floor in pain, sobbing and moaning and cursing, she happened to glance under her giant mahogany four-poster bed. Underneath it was an unfamiliar-shaped object. Melissa, holding her foot, painfully shuffled across the room and held up the dust ruffle to get a closer look. Peering into the darkness, she was startled to see a...
...a giraffe.
(from my eleven year old daughter)
Not a real giraffe, mind you. But a huge stuffed giraffe. His name was Gifford. Her father had given her Gifford when she was five years old. Melissa didn't remember having put Gifford under her bed. In fact she hadn't even seen Gifford for years. But she knew immediately who had done it. And she knew why. It was...
Aunt Madge! (begin Friday the 13th music now).
Aunt Madge was really drunk AND upset the night she hid Gifford under the bed. Melissa had driven her nuts with practicing show tunes on her trombone for the last time. Raising her niece had been hard enough without throwing in band practice in the bargain.
The giraffe seemed to leer at Melissa, as if to say, "Ha, you stubbed your toe." Just then, Melissa heard the sound of someone climbing the stairs to her bedroom. Startled, she turned around only to see standing in her bedroom doorway...
My shizzle's gone fazizzle!
a police officer with his gun drawn! "Please get down and place your hands behind your back"!
Melissa was understandably frightened and confused. "Where is my Aunt", she asked the officer.
Walking toward her, he said "Ma'am, I'll ask the questions here. You are under arrest for.....
... contributing to the delinquincy of an elder. You are going to have to come with me."
In the back seat of the police cruiser, Melissa leaned close to her Aunt and whispered "Where did all of that money come form?" Aunt Madge answered " Your cousin James gave it to me two hours ago."
Melissa sat back and pondered that for a few moments. As the street light turned green she had an odd thought that struck her suddenly. Melissa leaned close to her Aunt again and whispered " Didn't James just get out of...
... the cast of Cats?"
Aunt Madge rolled her eyes, as she always did whenever anyone mentioned her nephew's occupation. "Yessss," she hissed. "But no one's supposed to know that, Melissa, remember? We promised his probation officer to keep it under wraps."
The cop up front couldn't help but hear (and smell) Aunt Madge's slurred drunken explanation. Curious, he looked back and Melissa and asked...
" Is your Aunt in the habit of 'tippin' the tonic' or has something got her goin'?"
Melissa looked at him hard and said...
"My aunt drinks Scotch strictly for medicinal purposes!'
Melissa sat in the car pondering her predicament. And then it dawned on her. There is no law against contributing to the delinquency of an elder. Something was amiss.
She leaned over to Aunt Madge and whispered, "Quick! Do exactly as I tell you. On the count of three..."
"...start singing "Memory"!"
"Memory, all alone in the moonlight... has the moon lost her memory? She is smiling alone..."
All those months of listening to James warble Grizzabella's solo were finally going to pay off. The cop became entranced. Little did the two women know that Officer Jones had once been the victim of an onstage hypnosis prank, in which he became comatose whenever he heard this song (who doesn't) and began to undress himself as if possessed by a very calm, nude demon.
As the cop very calmly fiddled with the buttons on his uniform, Melissa gently grabbed her burbling and hallucinating aunt by the arm. They made their way slowly and quietly out of the back of the police car and had just about made it back to the front door of Melissa's mansion, when suddenly...
Cousin James appeared from the shadows next to the front door. He was still wearing whiskers in spite of his time as a castmember ending.
He was tall, dark and far from handsome. He twirled his whiskers with one hand, and held his tail up with the other to keep it from the gathering puddles.
"Hello Cousin." He sneered, baring shiny fake fangs. "Its lovely to..."
"...finally CATch up with Meouw"
Eyeing him disdainfully Melissa replied " I see that you still have'nt shook the 'cat talk', why are you lurking around my home like a stray cat?"
"I was following Aunt Madge,to retreive my money bag, the bag I gave her had bottles of Scotch, in her tipsy state she grabbed the wrong bag." So he claimed.
" I don't have it anymore I lost it When we escaped." Put in Aunt Madge almost tearful.
" What Where?....
Just then the Police Cruiser whipped into the driveway. The cop jumped out, pointing at Cousin James.
"YOU! You stole my whole life that day when you hipnotized me to strip every time I hear that song! I wanted to be the lead Cat around town! You just couldn't share the territory could you! Now my life is a shambles! There is nothing left to me but..."
". . . Sleazy night clubs and This beat." whined the cop.
" Oh come off it man " exclaimed James. " Make the most of what I gave You."
Meanwhile during this exchange Melissa and Aunt Madge slunk around the back of the house. They ran off as fast as they could for Aunt Madges' Limo parked at the side of the house. Once safely inside the Limo Melissa pulled the bag of money out from under her shirt.
"Oh that's what happened to the money.. I thought that you became pregnent fast." Said Aunt Madge vacantly. Turning to the Driver she anounced " Driver take us to...
...Mr. Jumbo's Big & Tall Men's Store."
The driver was secretly thrilled to hear this. He was in love with the store manager, Ms. Jumbo, who, despite her name, was a trim size six. On last night's date, Limo Driver had taken Ms. Jumbo to the miniature golf spot in town, where they had bonded over Quizno's sandwiches and sparkling cider.
In the back seat, Melissa and the now-sober Aunt Madge quietly discussed their next step. They would buy large men's suits, stuff them with ill-gotten pillows they'd steal from Mattress World next door, and go on the lam. It was the perfect plan, except for the obvious fact that...
Aunt Madge was a EE and it's pretty hard to conceal that kind of buxomness. Still, it was their only hope. They decided they'd better split up. Limo Driver would purchase the suits while Melissa would distract the salesman at Matress World so Aunt Madge could grab the pillows.
Melissa stuffed a several large bills in Limo Driver's hand and unbuttoned the top two buttons of her shirt. She touched up her lipstick in the rearview mirror and then sauntered into Mattress World ready to throw herself on the king-size Sealy Posturpedic.
As Melissa was settling into the mattress in the most subtle but seductive position she could think imagine...
She was appalled to see her Mother walking towards her across the store.
Melissa blinked rapidly and sat up quickly from her embarrassing position. It really was her Mom! Even though Melissa hadn't seen her since her Mom had left her in Aunt Madge's care years before to pursue her dream of making it big in commercials, she couldn't mistake the platinum blonde curls, the too thick mascara and that glaringly red lipstick. She also couldn't miss that her Mother was wearing a Mattress World Manager name tag with the name Mona engraved on it.
Mona smiled, revealing a lipstick smudge across her front teeth, and a neon green wad of chewing gum clenched in her molars.
"Heya Dollface..."
"Mona!??" Melissa exclaimed " But your name is Bertha, Mom."
"Would you keep it down Dollface? I don't want my coworkers to hear, you... They don't know that I have any kids." hissed Mona.
" Yeah, like I'm a kid anymore," Melissa said sarcastically. Watching over Monas' shoulder during this 'lovely' exchange she saw Aunt Madge stuff four pillows into her petite clothes and was working on a fifth. Finally noticing that 'Mona' was saying something else to her she replied with the ever clever
" Huh?"...
"I said, 'Why are you lolling all over this store mattress and yowling like a cat in heat?'" Mona/Bertha nagged. "I taught you better than that."
"No you didn't," Melissa shot back. "You didn't teach me jack squat. If anyone gets any credit for teaching me anything, it's Aunt Madge."
Mona/Bertha sneered. "Well, I'm not sure I want any credit for THIS. Aunt Madge can have ya. See ya, hon." She turned and walked away, and Melissa couldn't help but snicker as she watched her mother's oversize hiney in a too-small skirt make its exit. That was a close one.
Meanwhile, Aunt Madge had stuffed her cloak to the point of looking like a dark red Michelin Man, and she winked at Melissa and nodded her head toward the door. Melissa buttoned up and wondered how she could divert attention away from her aunt, when...
She saw Limo Driver tearing out of the parking lot with Ms. Jumbo hanging out the moon roof of the Limo, waving her arms and screaming "Yeeeeeeee Haaaaaaawwww! We's gettin' married!"
Melissa ran to Aunt Madge and pulled her towards the back of the store while the store employees were distracted by the sight of a Limo doing cookies in the parking lot.
She made sure to grab a few pillows along the way, and when they got to the back of the store, they carefully slipped out the employees only door.
Melissa breathed a sigh of relief at getting out of the store safely, followed by a frustrated grunt that Limo Driver had shirked his duty.
Then she tripped over something in the alleyway, and screamed when she saw what it was...
It was the hypnotized stripping cop, Officer Jones, lying face down in a pool of his own drool. Now that he was out of uniform, Melissa noticed it had been a while since he'd been to the back-hair-waxer. His profuse back hair was so thick and poofy that she struggled to free her high stiletto heel from its matted tendrils, where it had become entangled.
"Ewwww," Melissa gagged. "I haven't seen an ape that hairy since I starred as Fay Wray in the original King Kong," Aunt Madge added. The sight of the Bigfoot-resembling mass was almost too much for the two ladies, who almost dropped their stolen pillows in the naked cop's drool puddle.
Gathering their wits, they took off running down the alley. When they reached the sidewalk, what should pull up to the curb but...
Limo Driver!
Ms. Jumbo was snuggled up in the seat next to him and there were two suits in garment bags hanging in the back seat.
"Sorry about the delay Ma'am. I thought you could use a diversion. I know it may have looked bad, like I was abandoning you, but I can't afford to lose this job, especially now that Ms. Jumbo has agreed to marry me."
As Aunt Madge and Melissa hurried to climb into the back of the Limo a hairy arm reached out and grabbed Melissa's arm. She jerked away, startled and slammed the Limo door. When she turned to look out the window she saw...
...James hopping down the street after the Limo on one foot. Melissa pointed this out to her Aunt. part of her wanted to know what he was doing and the other part of her felt the urgency to get away quickly. But, before she could make any rash descions the Limo turned onto the interstateand headed to the airport.
" Aunt Madge, where are we going now?" Melissa asked watching her Aunt shove pillows down the pants of her oversized pants.
" First dear you need to change into these," She replied handing Melissa the huge clothes. " We are going to fly to..."
Paris...
...Idaho. I have a summer home there. And several cabana boys."
Melissa wasn't really that interested in spending spring at a summer home. Even in Paris, Idaho. Even with some of the best cabana boys west of the Mississippi. She begged Aunt Madge to reconsider. Afterall, spring break only comes just once a year.
Aunt Madge, who was really anxious to get back to her fleet of cabana boys, thought for a moment.
"Oh, all right, dear. We could just take the leer to...
Cleveland. I hear they have good apple pie."
At the airport Aunt Madge swiped a bouquet of red roses from a gift shop and tore the petals off, tossing them towards the Limo and wishing the happy couple well on their elopement.
Just then it started to rain. Melissa took a handful of rose petals from Aunt Madge and threw them into the air.
"I have always wanted to throw roses in the rain!" she laughed.
As soon as the Limo had disappeared into the mist Aunt Madge and Melissa walked back into the airport and on to the new life that awaited them beyond the security checkpoint.
And then everyone danced. :)
(That's my favorite part. When everyone dances!)
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