It started off as a small rough red spot on his arm. It didn't itch, it didn't hurt, it didn't do anything, but it didn't ever heal either. Several times he'd tried ointments and once, in a fit of metrosexuality, loofahed the spot, thinking it might be some displaced dandruff. It wouldn't budge.
Until one day when, during a routine physical for his job, he showed it to his doctor. She peered at his tan, muscled bicep, trying to discern what this spot could mean, wondering if it might be ringworm or maybe a melanoma. Scraping off a few dry flakes into a petri dish with the dull edge of her scalpel, she suddenly thought of something. She kept her emotions under control, though, as she said to him...
Until one day when, during a routine physical for his job, he showed it to his doctor. She peered at his tan, muscled bicep, trying to discern what this spot could mean, wondering if it might be ringworm or maybe a melanoma. Scraping off a few dry flakes into a petri dish with the dull edge of her scalpel, she suddenly thought of something. She kept her emotions under control, though, as she said to him...
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"You haven't by chance been anywhere near Roswell, New Mexico in the last six months have you?"
He thought for a few moments, then shook his head, "No. I was in Australia the last six months filming."
"Filming?" She looked up at his somewhat nondescript face in surprise.
He smiled, revealing very white but slightly crooked teeth. "Yeah, I am a bicep double. You know, kind of like a body double, but with biceps instead. That new Brad Pitt movie coming out? When it gets to the arm wrestling scene and they zoom in, take a good look because that is all my bicep. Brad just didn't have what it took." He bent his arm and planted a kiss on his flexed muscle...
...and inadvertently kissed the rash.
"Ooh. That stung a little" he said. The doctor, a little put-off and yet strangley attracted to his ego, motioned for him to be quiet.
She leaned in towards him, smelling the sweet scent of his ivory soap and whispered: "These walls have eyes, and unfortunatley, your rash has transferred to your amazingly kissable lips which means...
that you only have 72 hours to find the leaf of the waikini tribe that can only be found at the top of Mt. Kikahiney.
The main problem is that you MUST not expose the rash to the sun or it will begin to spread exponentially. You are going to have to wear this Burka just to be safe."
As she handed him the burka their fingers accidentally brushed and the Doctor's eyes widened as she felt her fingers beginning to itch.
She then realized what she had to do.
Within two hours, the doctor and muscle-double boy were on a plane flying to the south Pacific. As the island of Gunnatakashowa came into view, he leaned over to the doctor and said...
"Here, have a breath mint."
He leaned in closer and she found herself staring at his slightly crooked teeth and thought to herself that he didn't look half bad in a burka.
Her gaze moved to his adoring eyes as she leaned in to meet him. Preparing for bliss she focused on his mouth, noticing how quickly the rash was spreading as his lips got closer...closer...
Suddenly she snapped out of her trance.
"What the heck do you think you're doing?! If I wanted my lips to look like yours I could have kissed the poison ivy in my backyard instead of flying to Gunnatakashowa!!!!"
He looked at her tenderly and said...
"Don't look now, but I think that guy in the trenchcoat, center row, two rows back is following us."
Quickly, she glanced back.
"I said not to look now!" he hissed, sending a spray of saliva all over her cheek.
Suddenly, she felt itchiness all over her face. "Oh, great!" she muttered. "As if the fingers weren't enough..."
"Sorry, babe" he said, shrugging his shoulders.
"Wait!" she cried. "I just realized who's behind us! He is...
the ice cream man that drives down my street every day, even in wintertime!"
"What a coincidence," he muttered. "He's the same ice cream man who drives down my street too." Looking down at his arm and once again flexing those golden biceps he said, "No sugar for these babies, sweetie. The only thing I ever buy from him are those 100% fruit juice popsicles, you know, the ones with the fruity chunks. My favorites are the raspberry ones with the-"
"Hush, he's coming this way!"
The ice cream man got closer and closer. He was wearing a long trench coat that they could hear swinging and clanging at every step. He stopped in front of them.
When they realized he wasn't leaving, both the doctor and bicep boy turned to look at ICM. (Ice Cream Man.) He opened his trench coat to reveal....
...seven boxes of ice cream sandwiches, amazingly still frozen due to ICM's portable freezer that made it through security because he had made it entirely out of used egg cartons, silly putty, and toothpicks.
"oh, my!" said the doctor.
"Wait. What is the clanging sound coming from?" queried bicep boy.
"Oh, that. It's my metal leg. I was working on the wrong side of the tracks, when I was attacked by a bunch of kids trying to get free ice-cream. Never saw such persistent 6 year old girls. But forget that. I'm here to tell you that these ice-cream sandwiches will save the day!"
"HOW?!" the doctor and muscle man both cried.
ICM laughed and said...
"The cold temperature combined with the lactose in the icecream helps to soothe and soften irritated skin. Its even better than a buttermilk bath! Only...its stickier...but it will help slow the spread of the rash until you get where you are going."
Doctor Shiela (which was in fact her name) narrowed her eyes at ICM and said, "Wait a minute...how do YOU know so much about this rash?!"
"With all due respect, doctor, driving the ice-cream truck is only my DAY job."
He winked at her knowingly. Suddenly, she understood. "You mean?!?!"
"Yes!" said ICM "I...
specialize in tribal medicine on the side. After spending three years living among the pygmies of Wannahockaloogie they made me their tribal medicine man, and sent me on a quest to find a cure for a rash that is rare in most of the world, but quite common among the tribes."
Muscle man's eyes narrowed. "Wait just a minute! This rash started just after I bought a Superhero Rocket Pop from you! Are you telling me..."
"The only thing you ever buy from me are those 100% fruit juice popsicles, you know, the ones with the fruity chunks. Your favorite are the raspberry ones with the neon green threading through the middle." said mr. icecream man.
"I may.....or may have not been trying something new on you, but don't worry, I have just what you need in my blue pants pocket here....see, right here in my....dang it! I am wearing my.....
...green purple-striped clogging knickers. I must have packed those blue pants in my suitcase which is stowed safely away in the-" BANG!!!! there was an impact on the plane that made it shake so violently that it rolled perilously in the air. ICM was thrown across the room onto the top of a large clown where he was knocked out from the impact of hitting the clown's large, rubber red nose.
Luckily the clown's nose was protected from a self-contained mini nose airbag that deployed in such emergencies. He screamed, "Oh my goodneth! What'th happening to uth? WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!!"
The plane leveled out and started flying normally again.
Sheila looked worriedly at muscle man and opened her mouth to speak. At that moment, the pilot started to speak on the intercom.
Dr. Sheila closed her mouth and tried to listen to the pilot. To her chagrin she found her gaze going to bicep boys lips again. Finding her mind beginning to wander to the subject of what flavor chapstick he used, she changed her view to unconscious ICM on the clown's lap while she listened.
".....pilot speaking. I don't want to worry you, but you should know what caused that bit of turbulence back there. It was......
...the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune! (yes, I know Harry, but I have to practice my lines!) Excuse me, passengers. What I meant to say is, in other words, the natives of Gunnatakashowa are attacking us."
"OH, NO!" yelled ICM, suddenly awakened from his unconcious state by the words of the pilot and some serious face-slapping by the clown. "Dr! Muscle-Boy! We have to jump, now!"
ICM reached down, ripped off his knickers, where, luckily, for all people involved, there was another pair of pants underneath, and quickly deployed the "turn-the-knickers-into-a-parachute" setting.
The Dr. and Bicep Man, without thinking, ran to his side.
Together, they raced to the cabin door, but standing in their way...
was a pygmie in full native regalia.
"Stop!" He hissed. "We have finally eradicated that cursed rash from our tribe, we will NOT allow you to bring it back and reinfect us!"
Bicep boy took a step closer, flexing his muscle. The little pygmie's eyes widened in shock and fear and he said...
..."How did Brad Pitt's bicep get on your arm!??!"
"Oh, I get that all the time! Actually, my bicep is used as a double, see.."
"Stop!" said the pygmie. "Don't come any closer! I can see the rash spreading!"
ICM and the Dr. exchanged worried glances. Bicep Boy didn't seem too worried, but the Doctor Sheila knew something he didn't about what the pygmie was holding. It was...
a cattle prod. The kind that shocks you.
"Whatever you do don't let him touch you with that! We don't know what the electricity would do to the rash!" Dr Shiela shrieked.
The pygmie lunged at Bicep boy, but just then a female passenger leaped into the path of the cattle prod and twitched from the electric shock. She fell to the floor and just before losing consciousness she looked deep into Bicep Boy's eyes and sighed, "Your lips..."
...are chartreuse."
Her eyes closed as her head lolled to the side. Dr. Sheila hastily knelt down to take her pulse. "It's weak, but steady. I think she'll be okay."
Dr. Sheila remembered the comment of the poor woman on the floor, and looked at Bicep Boy. "She's right, your lips ARE chartreuse!"
"They are?" he asked incredulously. The pygmy's face fell as the severity of the situation dawned on him. "The rash is beginning the final toxic stage on your body. I'm afraid almost nothing can help you now. You will start experiencing very strange symptoms, including seeing flying cows everywhere. Your only hope is...."
...to use ICM's parachute knickers and hope you land on the top of Mt. Kikahiney and find the leaf!"
At hearing these words, ICM, without wasting a minute, grabbed Bicep-Boy, the Dr. and pushed the pygmie aside. He unlatched the door and jumped out of the plane with his two "passengers" clinging to him.
"AHHHHHH!!!" screamed the doctor.
"Why are there cows out here?" yelled Bicep Boy.
"There! I see the top of the mountain!" laughed ICM triumphantly.
But suddenly...
...he realized that his fly was open, and the parachute knickers were losing air.
They began to plummet faster and faster towards the ground, crashing through the dense canopy of rainforest trees as they descended.
Finally they landed with a crash in...
...tears of laughter because Bicep Boy was starting to Moo.
When the laughter subsided, ICM exclaimed, "Look! Right there! I can see it! It's...
...the ice cream sandwich I thought I'd lost! Here, smear it on your rashes. It will help cool you a bit as we have a bit of a trek ahead of us. We've landed halfway up Mount Kikahiney."
ICM handed the sandwich to Dr. Sheila, who promptly unwrapped it and rubbed it on her arm, then smoothed it on Bicep Boy's rash, trying not to think about his lips while applying the cooling sandwich. Bicep Boy said, "Yes, thank you Momma Cow!!! Your sweet milk doth soothe my aching lips."
The Dr. felt a sweet wistfulness as she found herself wishing she could take care of Bicep Boy forever. Being called Momma Cow only stung a little.
Then she realized what was stinging. The sun was shining through the canopy of trees, and since the rash was being exposed to the sun she started swelling in spots.
"ICM!" she cried. "The rash is getting worse and there are no more burkas!"
Bicep Boy looked off into the distance and said "Heeeeere cowie, cowie, cowie!"
ICM thought quickly. "There are no burkas, but there are banana leaves!" He hastily grabbed banana leaves and started weaving them together to form a rustic sort of umbrella. "Here." He handed the umbrella to the Dr.
Leading the way, they trudged up the mountain. An interesting sight, the trio. A man with a suspicious-looking trenchcoat. A burka-clad man who kept ringing an imaginary cowbell, and a woman doing her best to keep a banana umbrella over her head. Yes, the were an interesting sight. Little did they know that there was someone...or something watching them intently.
It was the Monkey King of the Jungle. He thought that Dr. Shiela with her swollen body and banana leaf umbrella would make a perfect Queen.
He swung through the canopy of the rainforest, trailing the trio until they came close to he peak of Mt. Kikahiney, then he made his move.
Or several moves, actually. 70's disco dance moves, to be exact. The weary travelers looked at the Monkey King as he was doing the "YMCA" dance. The Monkey King missed a few steps as he noticed Dr. Sheila's both puzzled and frightened expression. "Strange," he thought. "This usually works...maybe I should have worn my scratchy, baby blue, polyester leisure suit."
Luckily for Dr. Shelia, the Monkey King, after spending years learning the languages of the natives of Mt. Kikahiney --which, incidentally included Hmong, Italian, Dutch and English --was able to answer her when she asked, "What in the world is that thing?"
"Why, I'm the Monkey King!" he replied. "And I'm dancing for you, my future Monkey Queen!"
"Why is that cow talking?!" groaned Bicep Boy.
"The Monkey King?!?!" ICM exclaimed. "This is wonderful news! Wonderful news! Monkey King, we need your help!"
"I would be happy to help! But only after the wedding." replied the Monkey King.
"Wedding? Who's wedding?" Dr. Sheila was afraid of the answer, but was nonetheless flattered that somebody was paying attention to her out on this crazy adventure.
"OURS!" And with one fell swoop, the Monkey King grabbed Dr. Sheila, grabbed a vine, and...
swung away through the jungle with her.
Bicep boy screamed "That flying cow just stole my manicurist! Who is going to make my nails look like Brad Pitt's!"
And he grabbed a vine and swung away after them.
Shrugging, ICM followed suit and soon they all found themselves...
...at the top of Mt. Kikahiney. With no more vines to swing on, the group, which, to any onlooker would seem rather odd, perhaps even psychotic amid the trees, lizards, and occasional puma, stopped short and looked at the amazing view.
"If you didn't think everything was a cow," breathed in Dr. Sheila, "I would be happy to share this romanitc moment with you" she leaned towards Bicep Boy.
"Moo" he answered.
"There!!" screamed ICM. "There is the leaf of the Waikini tribe!"
"Wait!" yelled the Monkey King. "Why do you need that leaf? Do you have THE Rash?!?"
"We both do," replied the Dr., pointing to Cow-Man and herself.
With a look of disgust, the Monkey King howled, threw Dr. Sheila to the ground, breaking her beauitful hand-made banana-leaf umbrella, which, sadly, she had been planning on taking home as a souvenier, or, in the case of her death, having it buried with her --and he swung down the mountain, never to be seen or heard from again. Until his pouting fit was done and he could return to his normal duties as King of the Monkeys, which, incidentally, he has to do by proxy, seeing that no monkeys actually live on the island.
"Hurry!" said ICM. "We have to get the leaf!"
Suddenly...
the Waikini tribe leaf started to shake violently then started shrinking. Then they realized that it wasn't shrinking, it was being pulled into the ground by a giant mountain mole. "JUMP!" yelled ICM, and he and Dr. Sheila leapt on top of the disappearing leaf and each grabbed a handful. Bicep Boy looked on, dazed, murmuring something about rainbow-colored subterranean cows.
Sheila looked at ICM triumphantly. "We did it! We finally got this dang leaf! Ok ICM, I assume we need to rub it on our rashes..." Her voice trailed off as she looked around at ICM's amused expression.
"No, don't tell me you don't know how to use it!" wailed the Dr. "Calm down," he replied while brushing the dirt off his trenchcoat, "Of course I know how to use it. I didn't spend that much time with the Waikinis for nothing. It's just that in order to be cured, you have to use the leaves in a very unusual manner. Teas and rubbing on the rash won't help, you have to..."
...put them in your brownies."
This was an unfamiliar concept to Dr. Sheila, who never partook of anything wilder than NyQuil, but ICM, whose past was a bit more colorful, got right to work, grinding the leaves with the mortar and pestle he produced from his second set of pants.
Then, pulling out a 9x13 pan and a package of Duncan Hines brownie mix, some oil and eggs and water - which he always kept on hand in case of just such an emergency - he stirred up the brownies and gently folded in the now-powdered leaves. Spreading the mixture in the pan, he looked around for a working oven, but suddenly remembering his surroundings, he turned to Dr. Sheila and said...
...you never happened to be in the Girl scouts, did you?"
"Heavens, no! I was in 4-H."
"Well, did you ever learn to build an oven out of banana leaves and rocks?"
"What do you think the 4-H stood for? Of COURSE we learned how to build outdoor ovens with banana leaves and rocks."
Dr. Sheila then proceeded to create a crude-looking oven made entirely of rocks, banana leaves, and tin foil, which she found inside Bicep Boy's burka. Using the rays of the sun to transmit heat through her reading glasses that she conveniently had in her own burka, the oven quickly heated and ICM placed the brownie pan inside.
"It will be ready in approximately 10 minutes" said Dr. Sheila.
"I hope we have time!" cried ICM, looking at Bicep Boy with a worried look. Bicep Boy looked at them both strangely and then said...
"You're too late! The Emporer of the Cows is already heeeeerrre..."
At which Dr. Shiela slapped him hard across the face and said, "Snap out of it Bicep Boy! There are more important things here than COWS!"
Bicep Boy's lip began to tremble, and a fat tear went rolling down his cheek.
"Now, now kids..." ICM started...
"...let's calm the air while we wait for the brownies to bake. One, two, a-one, two, three.
Kumbayah..."
Bicep Boy and the Dr. joined in. After Kumbayah was finished, they sang some rousing campfire songs until Dr. Sheila stopped and said...
..."I think the brownies are done!"
"Quick!" yelled ICM "Here, eat these!" He grabbed the pan with a pot holder he found in his amazing trenchcoat, and thrust them towards the Dr. and Bicep Boy. Without a thought, Dr. Sheila grabbed a handful and shoved it into Bicep Boy's mouth.
"Dat's tho hot!" he yelled, while bits of brownie flew out of his mouth.
"No time, no time!" she yelled back and then stuffed a handful in her mouth as well. She started jumping around in circles, yelling, "water! Water!"
"Thee! I dold you!" said Bicep Boy.
"You can't have water" said ICM. "Water will decrease the potency. It will...water it down."
"How many of these do we have to eat?" asked Dr. Sheila, worried about the sudden loss of tastebuds.
ICM said...
"You must eat three pounds of brownies each...the biggest problem is that you can not eat or drink anything else with them, and the brownies are a little on the dry side..."
Dr. Shiela's mouth suddenly felt like it was full of drying cement. Bicep boy's chewing got slower and slower and then he opened his mouth and...
...when he opened his mouth to the air it was, of course, cool mountain air. Contrary to what you might think, the wind had the opposite effect on the masticated brownies. The air molecules wrapped around the brownies and they slowly became liquid and drained off his teeth. As Dr. Sheila watched him swallow, she threw caution -or salvation- to the wind and opened her mouth. Just as before, the wind liquefied the brownies, and in this way they got them down. After they chewed, aired and swallowed three pounds of brownies each, Bicep Boy (whose name is hereby revealed as Paul) and Dr. Sheila collapsed exhaustedly on the ground, their mouths hanging open because they'd lost all jaw control from all that chewing, and waited for the brownies to do their thing.
Meanwhile, ICM was...
...digging furiously around in his trenchcoat. He found what he was looking for and yelled, "Eureka!"
"What is it?" moaned Sheila.
"I just wanted to get some pictures of this for my blog" ICM replied, and began taking pictures of Paul and Sheila as they lay on the ground.
Suddenly bolting upright, Dr. Sheila yelled "STOP!" for she was not prepared to be caught on any kind of film, let alone digital!
ICM pouted quietly and put his camera down. Paul said "hey, don't stop! I need all the publicity I can get!"
ICM and Paul then launched into an amatuerish photo-shoot. Suddenly, something caught ICM's eye in the view-finder. "What in the world...!?!?" said ICM. He had seen...
...Ted Kennedy peeking out behind a rock.
Bicep boy leaped to his feet.
"Ted!!! TED CAN I GET A PHOTO WITH YOU?!?! It will look great in my portfolio!"
But Ted was already running away.
ICM man tackled Bicep Boy and held him down
"Stop! Let him go...He's not who you think he is! In fact, he is really..."
...the monkey king, looking for attention."
"Oh, great!" said Dr. Sheila.
"Oh, darn." said Bicep Boy.
"So?" asked ICM "Is it taking effect, yet? Are you feeling better?"
"Well," said Dr. Sheila "I'm not sure, but...
the tingling is gone from my skin. I still have it inside, though. Strange...I'm a doctor but I have no idea why I would be tingling inside." She looked at Bicep Boy. "Oh my, it's getting worse!"
Bicep Paul looked at her and said, "I'm feeling better, no more cows! But I have news for you, babe. That tingling? I have that effect on most ladies."
Even though the good Dr. was disgusted at this display of machoness, she knew that Paul was right. The tingling turned to fluttering as the bicep double and the doctor took a step toward each other. Sheila fell into Paul's arms and cried, "OW!"
"What's the matter, darling?" he asked. She stopped wincing and took a deep breath. "It was your bicep...so strong, like iron. I think I have a bruise." She looked up into his eyes and a dreamy look came into them. "Sooo strooong-" and then their lips met in the tenderest kiss that mountain peak had ever seen.
Suddenly there was a terrible shriek! "THAT'S MY WOMAN!!!!"
The monkey king rushed at the two of them, brandishing a knife. ICM, as always, knew just what to do.
He whipped up a banana split to distract the monkey king, while Paul and Dr. Shiela made a break for it...
and ran to an open field where a hovering helicopter was waiting for them. ICM had made a few calls using his coconut cell phone and now help had arrived.
But wait! Had the leafy brownies helped Paul's arm? Hesitant to leave until they knew the cure had worked, Paul and Dr. Sheila paused to look down at his bicep. She pulled up his tattered shirt sleeve and gasped as her eyes rested on...
nothing but smooth, tanned and slightly glowing muscle. Overcome by relief and exhaustion, she collapsed. Paul caught her with his arms-of-steel, smiled with those gorgeous, slightly crooked teeth, looked at ICM and said....
..."You don't mind if I get the girl, now do you?"
ICM, verging on tears replied "No, that's fine. I never get the girl, but that's what happens when you're mauled by little children and live a life of intrigue and disguise. I'll get over it. I have enough ice cream to drown my sorrows in later."
And with that, ICM, Bicep Boy and Dr. Sheila (who was quietly faking her exhaustion so that Bicep Boy would hold her closely) climbed into the waiting helicopter and watched as the Monkey King and the intense jungle grew smaller and smaller.
And then...
...everyone stood up in the cramped helicopter space, and while the pilot yelled at them "SIT DOWN!!!!"....they danced.
:) time for a new one, I see
I couldn't help myself using the dancing ending. It seemed to fit so perfectly! :D
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