It was time, he thought. Clad in his flannel quilted overshirt, pointy knitted tasseled cap, Levis and heavy boots, he put on his gloves and sunglasses, grabbed his binoculars and Audobon's Guide to American Birds, and trudged out the door.
Heading off into the woods, he climbed onto a recently fallen blue spruce, took up his position, and waited. It wasn't long before he saw her. There she was, in all her glory - a most majestic, inspiring, and colorful...
Heading off into the woods, he climbed onto a recently fallen blue spruce, took up his position, and waited. It wasn't long before he saw her. There she was, in all her glory - a most majestic, inspiring, and colorful...
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bird. One he'd never seen before. swaying gently and fluidly on a branch...
...or from a branch. After getting a closer look through his trusty binoculars, he realized that his fantastic fowl was, indeed, a brightly colored sock. The kind that has been knitted by a sweet grandma in a rocking chair.
Suddenly, a flash of light to his left distracted him, and he saw...
...the glint of the barrel of a Beretta 391 deflected the sun's glare. "Oh no!" cried Bartholomew (his friend's just called him "Mew"). "The last thing I need is another hole (or two dozen, it was a shotgun after all) in my favorite sock!"
His mind raced as the need for quick action overtook him. If only he had remembered to pack his...
...hand-knitted fisherman's sweater, his bar of Irish Spring soap, and his Lucky Charms. "Mew" was always forgetting these important items and, being a member of the Militant Smiling Irish Eyes, this forgetfulness always came back to bite him in the butt.
"Paddy! Put down the gun!" Mew roared at his red-haired brother, who was ready to shoot. "You know we can't go sock-shootin' without my Lucky Charms. Somethin' unlucky might happen, like -"
KAPOW!!!!
A shot rang out through the forest, only it wasn't from Paddy's Gun.
Mew felt the whiz of air as a bullet streaked right by his ear, nearly taking a piece of his mullet with it.
"Run Paddy!" He screamed, "Its...
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The Redneck Patrol. They were always on the hunt for flannel and mullets. Mew and Paddy were in trouble on both counts. Talk about unlucky.
Making the unfortunate mistake of believing just for a minute that things couldn't be any worse Mew and Paddy ran through the trees deeper into the thick of the woods. The gunshots became noticeably further away and further apart. The brothers stopped for a minute to catch their respective breaths when an omimous foreboding came over them.
"Dagnabbit," exclaimed Mew, "I just heard the song of a giant..."
...asparagus.
"An asparagus?! No!" cried Paddy. "That means...that means...!"
"Yep, we're on Old MacGregor's property. This ain't good, Paddy, this ain't good!"
There was a sound of breaking branches behined them. Slowly, Paddy and Mew turned around to see...
Peter Paul and Mary. And boy did they look mad. The had been personally appointed by Old MacGregor to protect the carrots and asparagus from blowin' in the wind for 500 miles. They'd done a pretty good job until now but they hadn't reckoned on Mew and Paddy bumbling through the singing asparagus patch and stomping down the talking carrot tops.
Mew and Paddy knew they were in for it now. Mew was a bit confused at how a seemingly innocuous jaunt into the forest for a bit of bird watching had come to this but he knew with every fiber of his quilted flannel that what was coming was going to be bad. Very, very bad. He knew the punishment for the unauthorized destruction of a giant singing asparagus was...
...being flogged with a wet noodle.
Remembering his week of survival training at the Veggie Tales Boot Camp, Mew whipped out his emergency container of Kraft Parmesan Cheese and prepared to go about with the grisly task of eliminating the asparagus corpse.....
...As Mew and Paddy quickly ate the dead asparagus, Mew couldn't help but think of how it would have tasted so much better with some pepper and lemon --the parmesan cheese just couldn't appease his sophisticated palate.
When the asparagus (and a few unfortunate carrots) were finished, Mew hid the cheese back into his pack. Paddy wiped his mouth and whispered...
"Why are Peter, Paul and Mary still standing there after they watched us eat the evidence?"
Mew whispered back, "It's because they're rendered helpless by watching such a violent display. Remember, laddie, they're not from our generation. I'll bet they have some rainbows and kittens tucked in their clothes somewhere."
Suddenly they heard a "plop" next to Paddy's boot. They looked down and were horrified to discover that....
...it had started raining.
Mew and Paddy looked up to the sky just in time to see lightening strike a tree nearby. As the tree fell, the deafening crash was not enough to drown out the sound of Peter, Paul, and Mary's sudden desire to sing.
Confused, but slightly excited for the free concert, Paddy grabbed Mew by the arm and yelled "Let's get out of here!" Too involved in their singing, P, P and M continued to sing louder and louder, almost as if the torrential rains were feeding their singing frenzy, and they didn't notice the two fearful, and quite satisfied (from their impromptu meal) brothers escaping quickly into the woods.
Soon, Paddy and Mew heard the singing fading into the distance, and Paddy sighed inwardly as he heard the last strains of "...little Jackie paper..." fading behind them. He was always fond of their music and having to leave this live concert in order to save their own lives was slightly disconcerting to his soul.
But, no sooner had they escaped the clutches of the folk/adult contemporary singers, when suddenly...
Pat Sajak appeared in the branch of an ancient oak.
Pat looked exasperatedly at Paddy and Mew as he said, "Well, DO you or DON'T you want to buy a vowel?"
Mew gazed up at Pat. "I dunno. I'm wet and all, but I don't have the money for a-" "No, you dimwit!" Paddy hissed. "Not a TOWEL, a VOWEL! You know, those things that burrow in the fields!"
Pat shook his head. "My good man, I think you're referring to a 'vole'. Now, since you're not going to play by the rules, I'm going to have to"......
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